Dozens of tips and tricks to amaze your little infant friends, impress the wrinkled folks who keep popping in on you and generally keeping your parents from freaking out because you haven't yet managed to roll over from your back into a lotus position while holding your left foot, like it says in the "Parenting for Dummies" manual.
Concepts are arranged alphabetically, whatever that means .
 

As an aside, my handlers have this really cool technology for filling up my bath -- it's a metallic arm that creates this warm column of matter that can't be grasped. I'm not kidding! I have tried so many times to grab this translucent bar thing and my hand just goes right through it! It's truly amazing...
 

The combat part is a bit more tricky, especially for you preemies and more passive types. Your breasts have a production cycle and if, for one reason or another, you miss your feeding window, you are going to have a pretty eager protuberance on your hands. Or, more precisely, you are likely to have the equivalent of a boob with a Super Soaker aimed right at your forehead.  Let me tell you, there's nothing more likely to break the mood than getting sprayed in the eye when all you wanted to do was a little recreational sucking before bedtime. The solution to this, and I'll repeat this often, is developing good motor control -- you'll need it for defensive purposes anytime you're surrounded by eager boobies. Reflexive ducking is good too but difficult to master when you have no control over your lower body.
 

Initially, when you've first made the transition to the dry world, you'll be crying instinctively so don't fret too much about what you're saying because the adults will instinctively try to appease you.  So it's okay to have the same cry routine to complain about soiled nappies, the hungries, the temperature, level of lighting or the colour of your sleeper because the adults will attempt to change all of these in a furtive effort to make you stop.

As you get more adept, you should develop a more elaborate cry routine.  Each of you will develop a routine that is different, of course .. this is necessary to prevent mothers from getting together and discovering meaningful patterns.  What is important though is that you learn about "levels" of crying and how you should use each level to achieve the desired effect.  Here's a sample classification taken from my own repertoire:

Stage 1: Not really a "cry" ... it's a pre-cursor to crying.  This is the warning we give to tell our handlers that they've got less than a minute to figure out what we want before we move on to the next stage.  Phonetically, it's much like an "eh......" sound (or "uh...." for our American cousins or "pardon me" for you Brits) but it's uttered with a sense of urgency.

Stage 2: This is your standard every-day cry, your bread-and-butter wail that gets you everything from a new diaper to a bandaid on your chin. Practice this when you know you parental units are away  -- try to find a "wahhhhh - wahhhhhh"  sound that is both sincere and has volume. Occasionally, your adults may catch on that some of these stage 2 cries aren't sincere...learn from this and hone your technique.

Stage 3: At this stage we're screaming.  The volume and frequency of the cry should be more intense and it should inspire a sense of urgency and concern from your handlers. This is where your acting ability shines because when the Stage 3 Scream is well executed, every male adult within 100m will reflexively rush to defend you and every female of child-bearing ager within 3 Km will begin lactating.

Stage 4: A stage 4 scream is not something to be toyed with -- this is the infant equivalent of 911.  Every adult mammal, upon hearing a stage 4 scream, should immediately rush to your side with a first aid kit and be prepared to airlift you to the nearest medical facility. Don't abuse this scream -- it should only be used for true emergencies, the occasional test and, infrequently, for entertainment purposes.
 

1. Never soil your diaper overnight or before a nap.  If no one can smell it, is it really dirty? Trust me, you'll end up with a diaper rash before you can say "poo".
2. Modern diapers have an amazing capacity to absorb fluids. How do you fix that? Easy... next time you've got a bottle or sippy cup in your hands, pour it into your nappie when no one is looking.  Before you know it your diaper will be dragging on the floor.
3. Code Brown and no one is responding? Simple... reach down, pull on the elastic closest to your leg and squirm a bit until you feel some of the squishiness oozing out. Then put on your cutest "pick me up" face and presto! instant attention!

The first few things they put in your mouth are going to be disgusting... trust me.  You will want to vomit them out ASAP. Please do... I think they do that to test your gag reflex. Bear in mind that once you accept solids they WILL keep putting new stuff into your mouth.

It'll be painful at first... especially when they start stuffing so-called 'meat' into your cry-hole. Holy Moly that stuff is disgusting. But it'll all pay off when, depending on what part of the country you're in, they start rewarding you with "fruit" -- the narcotic for babies.  Fruit is sweet and it's sweetness goes right to your brain. Ease up when you get your first hit... too much of that sweet stuff and you're not going to be sleepy for several hours!  Once you get over the initial high though you'll find that it's got a sophisticated little punch to it that gives you the energy to crawl!

When you've had enough, give them a sign otherwise they'll keep shoveling it in.
 

The first time I saw one of these mirrors I was convinced I was being introduced to a new friend, albeit an awfully friendly and somewhat familiar one.  Then I got annoyed when it started mimicking my every move (you get tired of that real fast, trust me). Then when I realized that the ugly guy holding her looked exactly like my dad I knew something fishy was going on.

Whatever you do, don't look surprised when you first see one of these mirrors -- otherwise they'll cart you in front of it every chance they get.