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This is the second page of my Blog. Not that I can count to two yet... it's
just that my ghost writer, code name "Papa", has this uncanny ability to
numerically sequence things in a way that makes sense to other adults.
Uncanny. |
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2004-03-18 |
 So
they strap me into this device that hangs on a doorframe and expect me to be
amused by the fact that I'm laying down vertically with no human being to
support me. Naturally, I'm terrified. I keep thinking the straps are gonna
break or the doorframe will crack. Do they think I want to be
hanging precariously from a doorframe? And besides, what kind of parent hangs
an infant from a doorframe then backs away to take pictures? |
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| 2004-03-15 |
 Ok,
I'm starting to think these parental units have some kind of obsession with
strapping me into things. Look at this contraption! Does he think he
looks cool with a baby strapped to his chest? Does he have any idea how
creepy it feels to have a fully grown male strapped to your back? I'm
beginning to wonder if there are any standards for parents? Don't they have
to pass a test or something? |
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| 2004-03-18 |
 So
I met my paternal great-grandmother. As far as I can tell she's about 3 or 4
thousand years old. I'm hoping we're genetically similar because she's got
to be the most agile, active and loving quadri-kilonarian I've ever met.
She seems to have more energy than my dad and he's only a few hundred years
old. |
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| 2004-03-19 |
 There
seems to be a theme running here. They slip me into some sort of support
device then strap me in. Barely three months old and with a spine that's
about as solid as week-old noodles in a Tupperware container, they slip me
into this plastiform molded chair and expect me to be ecstatic at the
opportunity to mold my skeletal structure to an implement that seems more
built for torture than for comfort. I guess I brought this on ... I had this
weird notion that I could see things better if I sat up than if laid flat on
my back. I must admit I kinda like this "sitting up" position better... had
I known it would entail this form of therapeutic punishment I might have
spent a few more months admiring the finely detailed workmanship on the
ubiquitous parquet flooring. |
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| 2004-03-20 |
 I
think I've stumbled onto something here. If I push up on my lower
extremities while pulling on the upper ones, I can achieve a vertical
advantage. The view from this position is amazing! I can see all around me
-- things that were previously hidden suddenly come into focus!!It's a
bit dizzying though -- I can't support this position for long because my
legs aren't strong enough to support my head for a long time -- but I
suspect that if I keep doing this "pull up" routine I'll develop enough
lower-body strength to maintain this position for whole minutes at a time.
I'm not sure, but I think that this "standing up" technology is key to the
whole ambulatory thing. Stay tuned... |
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| 2004-03-29 |
 Holy
Jeepers! Look at the size of this lime-green furry creature! They just
plopped the thing right beside me -- almost scared the poop out of me.
Oh... waitaminute. It did scare the poop out of me. Oh... sorry buddy.
Hey you! You, with the camera! Can I get a dry nappie here! |
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| 2004-04-04 |
 Major
setback! Despite my best effort to stay awake, the adults have found a way
to defeat my defensive mechanisms... some dastardly device called "The
Swing" plays some cheesy sleepy-time tune whilst the nefarious motorized
contraption rocks me to and fro'. As much as I try to resist, I
inevitably end up being knocked unconscious by the motion of this incredibly
predictable device. I must learn ways to resist.... |
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| 2004-04-05 |
 Eeeeek!
What have they done to my hair! Give my freako dada a baby comb and suddenly
thinks he's Vidal Sasoon. What does he know about baby gurl hair-dos -- he
grows hair on his face!I HATE IT! Look at me, for crying out loud, I look like a poorly drawn Lisa Simpson!! |
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| 2004-04-06 |
 I
probably should't admit to this cuz I'm probably violating some secret baby
code of conduct... but I just love to do this. I lay my down and lay still
for awhile until they think I'm asleep... all the while I'm listening to the
thump-thump of their little hearts beating away. Then I start with a
little curl of the lip, a wrinkle of the nose, crinkling of the eyes and
then, the pièce de résistance, a softly uttered 'uhhhh.' Man, you should
hear that heart go from thump-to-thud in no time. So fragile these
creatures... gotta find another trick for them soon. |
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| 2004-04-06 |
 BUSTED!!!
I have this morbid fascination with things that make sounds, especially if
the sounds are the result of my movement. I know... it's kinky, but I
can't help it. So there I am performing my best 'cranky baby' routine when
suddenly they slap this string of rings on me and fix it to a cabinet
handle. Lo and behold, I just can't stop madly shaking the rings on my arms,
like some compulsive-obsessive ghost chained to a wall. Fortunately my
dignity was spared when I just passed out, still attached to the cabinet. |
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| 2004-04-11 |
 Okay,
so my mom is a real babe... that's cool 'cuz I know she's got my genes and,
I must say, I'm proud of her graceful sex appeal. But frankly, between
you, me and the bedpost, I'm thinking she's got the jealousy thing
happening. I mean, why else would she buff up her mouth bones and tart up
her cheeks then dress me up with this goofy bonnet thing? Imagine my
horror when, just as the flash goes off, I spot myself in the mirror.
Isn't this child abuse? |
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This site was last updated 05/31/07